Taste the Rainbow

A look at the many flavors of the Cornell Left.

By: Eric Shive on August 16th, 2006 at 12:24 PM

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Welcome, class of 2010! You’ve evidently believed enough of the propaganda in the admissions brochure to shell out $120,000 to sit high above Cayuga’s waters for the next four years. Cornell University is a great institution with many opportunities for you to pursue; it’s also an absolute freak show with some of the biggest social misfits you’ll ever meet outside of reality television. If you’re interested in politics or simply a casual observer of the political scene, be prepared for a real experience. To help initiate you into the Cornell political landscape, allow me to brutally dissect a few of its more common elements.

The Dirty Hippy

Ithaca is a general receptacle for the refuse of the human race, most of which consists of hippies. If you would like to observe these creatures in their natural habitat take a trip to the Ithaca Commons. The Commons sports a hemp store (or what appears to be a hemp store), an herbal tea cafe operated by a cult, a coffee shop decorated with pictures of ugly naked people, and various businesses employing a pierced and tattooed staff. On any given day heathens can be seen writhing rhythmically to native music around the outdoor mall as white people with dreadlocks dressed in potato-sack clothing loiter about. Someone needs to remind them that State Street isn’t Haight-Ashbury and that it’s 2006, not 1968. It’s time to move on.

Unfortunately, hippies do not confine themselves to the Commons. Some venture into our campus for “awareness” rallies to fight The Man while others actually happen to be students enrolled at the University. In the spring of 2005, a gaggle of greens decided that the creation of a beautiful new, much needed parking lot over some overgrown bushes known as the Redbud Woods was a disaster to be thwarted at all costs. This group of environmental lunatics decided to chain themselves in the University president’s office to prevent the creation of this lovely paved paradise. When that didn’t work, they proceeded to live in the woods to prevent construction from beginning. Their living conditions in the Redbud Woods looked like the Swiss Family Robinson on acid. Some of them had actually written notes to the trees. Yes, they spoke to the trees. In the end, the hippies were thrown out of their tree houses; unfortunately, none of them were hurt. Better luck next time.

The Limousine Liberal

The limousine liberal and the hippy may have both voted for Kerry in 2004 but the limousine liberal would never be seen with someone who looks like that. Often the offspring of a wealthy family of professionals in the New York metropolitan area, the limousine liberal’s politics are derived from his or her superiority complex. Conservatives, you see, are ignorant, Bible-thumping, moron rednecks. Liberals, however, are enlightened, intelligent, classy, and generous—with other people’s money. Limousine liberals come to Cornell already comfortable in their families’ wealth and therefore have no problem supporting raising other people’s taxes and hindering them from enjoying that same prosperity. If too many other people get rich, who will be left to patronize?

Limousine liberals are some of the most frustratingly hypocritical politicos at Cornell. They are so quick to empathize with the sufferings of minorities but likely live in a gated community where the only black face is on the lawn jockey. They are the products of their families’ affluence but want to prevent others from achieving that same status by having the government steal half of their paychecks.

It’s the limousine liberals that use the privilege granted to them by their parents’ money to get a good education, go to law school, enter politics, and then hasten the socialization of America. So be nice to these rich liberals; one day they will be deciding your income tax rate.

The Angry Minority

Before MTV’s The Real World became soft-core porn and there were actually real people on the show, every season would have at least one sassy minority. Cornell has more than its fair share of these folks. Of course, let me be up front and say that there are plenty of kind, intelligent, and fun minority students at this University. Some of them I consider to be friends and acquaintances of mine (my “Diversity Rainbow” as I call them). That being said, it’s impossible to ignore the nasty, ignorant, and bitter members of the minority community who constantly whine about the brutal oppression they suffer at the hands of whitey. Apparently, part of this oppression involves their admittance to an Ivy League institution, likely as a recipient of affirmative action and scholarships. If that’s what oppression is, I’d like to get myself a piece of that.

These reapers of racial rage seclude themselves inside their ethnic ghettos (be it Ujamma, Latino Living Center, or Akwe:kon) and then complain about their supposed exclusion from the rest of the Cornell community. While there’s nothing morally wrong about preferring to associate with people like you (whether you define “like you” as similar-looking, similar-thinking, or whatever), if you choose to isolate yourself from the greater community you should cede your right to complain if you think the greater community is largely ignoring you. Some groups grasp this concept. You don’t ever see the Dungeons & Dragons players rallying on Ho Plaza to protest the lack of understanding on campus towards pasty white kids who enjoy playing board games on Friday night. D&D players never launched an armed takeover of Willard Straight Hall as a group of black students did in 1969. Unfortunately, angry minorities have become a celebrated part of Cornell’s legacy as the WSH Takeover is memorialized each April. One of the darkest blemishes on our University’s history is commemorated every year, probably to placate the violent radicals and stave off another takeover.

The Conservative Activist

In my completely objective opinion, the bravest, most-intelligent, and best-looking group of people on campus are the conservatives—the Cornell Americans, to be exact. Unlike the unwashed leftist masses, conservatives enjoy showering and general cleanliness. The absence of multi-colored hair, repulsive tattoos, and grotesque piercings also contribute to the clean look and feel of the movement. But not all right-wingers are created equal. Some weak-kneed conservatives at Cornell constantly seek to “dialogue” with the left and try to find common ground. Their ultimate goal in life is to be liked by liberals, to be invited to their cocktail parties, to be declared a “respectable” conservative. The Cornell American, on the other hand, stands for a muscular conservatism that will not only take the heat from the left but give them hell right back. Cowards need not apply. There are other publications where you would be more than welcome.

There are many other breeds of political hacks at Cornell and plenty of other walking stereotypes that populate campus, but these descriptions should give you a good head start on your Cornell enculturation. So welcome, freshmen, to the three-ring circus that is Cornell University. You can find the bearded lady over in the Women’s Studies department, the two-headed llama over at the vet school, and the dog and pony show in the administration building. Keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times, but above all else, enjoy the ride.

 

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