A Sex Toy Story

Editorial by: Eric Shive on January 23rd, 2005 at 8:54 PM

“Free Sex Toys!” This was the sign that I was greeted with one day upon entering the main lobby of my dorm. Being the inquisitive conservative that I am, I like to see what my tuition money is funding, so I decided to go and see what this was all about.

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On Thursday Sept 23, Di Constantinides from Planned Parenthood came to “educate” the residents of my dorm about the wonderful world of sex toys and masturbation. I knew something was up when I walked in and saw her in a t-shirt reading “masturbation is not a crime.” She then informed all of us that the toys we were going to be seeing had not been used (how generous!) and were from a lovely company called Good Vibrations. And no, they don’t double in Beach Boys’ merchandise.

The first topics that we discussed were absolutely riveting: anal stimulation and female ejaculation. Apparently, it’s not only gay men who enjoy anal stimulation; according to Constantinides, straight guys enjoy it too. I’m not exactly sure what kind of “straight” guys she was referring to; perhaps the kind that live in Risley. Even more unsettling, it was reported that five percent of women ejaculate when stimulated. While this may not be shocking for Sex & the City viewers, for those of us who prefer Nick-at-Nite to HBO’s soft-core porn this was definitely news.

After a brief introduction to sex toys, we participated in a perverted version of Jeopardy known as “Sex Play: The Game.” The room was split up into two appropriately named teams: Team Vibrator and Team Dildo.

The contest began with Team Dildo prominently out in front, ramming through the questions like, well, um…never mind. But then Team Vibrator penetrated the depths of knowledge almost enough to score a come from behind victory.

Of the many concepts discussed within this infinitely entertaining game, one of the most interesting was the butt plug. As I was informed, many butt plugs are made of silicone so they can be sterilized. Constantinides joked, “in one pot you can have your food and in the other you can have your dildos and sex toys.” I don’t know what kind of meal she’s preparing, but I for one would like to keep anything used to stimulate genitalia as far away from my food as possible.

Another important element of this game was the passing around of various sex toys. The first was “the rabbit” which I was told is used on the clitoris. Call me naive, but I don’t exactly comprehend the desire to stick plastic rodents into one’s privates. The second item we were given was that infamous “butt plug.” This device is inserted into one’s hind-end for a completely mysterious purpose. Maybe you’re supposed to use it when eating at Taco Bell.

One of the less exciting sex toys wasn’t really a toy at all. The “dental dam” shown to us looked like a piece cut out of my Dick Cheney wig from last Halloween and was supposed to be used for anal-oral or vaginal-oral sex. I don’t know about you, but if I were ever tempted to engage in such disturbing forms of “stimulation,” the mere thought of Dick Cheney would change my course in no time.

Following the dental dam was the “the packer.” The packer was a phallus made of something called “cyber skin” and was not designed for insertion, but rather for fantasy role-playing. For example, one member of a lesbian couple, the butch, would place “the packer” in her underwear and could then pretend she was a man. The way I see it, some of these lesbians don’t really need a “packer” to role play as a man; the mullets and sleeveless flannel shirts seem to be doing just fine.

The last items we saw were traditional and incognito vibrators, a rubber ducky, and a cock ring. The incognito vibrator was made specifically for mothers who didn’t want their children to stumble upon a phallic-looking device. Instead, the vibrator was made to look like a channel-changer. That’s sounds like a wonderfully awful solution. “Mommy, Mommy! I can’t turn on Sesame Street if you keep putting the channel-changer in your happy place.”

The rubber ducky was a novelty vibrator whose major attributes were that it was waterproof and could float in the bath. The existence of this toy completely changes the meaning of Ernie singing “Rubber Ducky, you’re the one / You make bath time lots of fun / Rubber Ducky, I’m awfully fond of you.” What a filthy pervert.

Lastly, the cock ring was passed around. Its purpose is to restrict blood flow out of the penis by strangling the male genitalia in what looks like a glorified watchband. Who the hell thinks of this garbage?

After the game was finished, we were enrolled in “Anal Sex 101.” I wonder if this “class” can exempt me from Feminist, Gender, & Sexuality Studies 201. The first tenet of anal sex that we learned was that it is enjoyed by “men, women, and everyone.” I don’t know about that “everyone” part. When I took my uncle for his first prostate exam this year let’s just say he wasn’t all smiles when he left the examination room.

Rule number two: any toy inserted into one’s anus must have a flared base. Sorry kids, those old flag poles just won’t do.

Rule number three: lube, lube, and more lube. We were told that lubricant often gets a bad reputation but really should be used to enhance all forms of sexual activity. I’ll file that in my mind right behind the “flared base” stuff.

Rule number four: “safety, communication, consent, and condoms.” The safety part I think I’ve got down pat from the last three rules. Communication and consent on the other hand is going to be a little more difficult. Constantinides informed us that consent cannot be legally given when a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. That invalidates almost every relationship fostered on college campuses.

The culmination of the night’s events occurred with the unveiling of the big daddy strap-on dildo. After that, the evening was over and we were presented with “masturbation certificates,” as well as free condoms, lubricant, a pen engraved with “masturbation is not a crime,” a sex toy catalog, and numerous Planned Parenthood pamphlets.

Despite all of the filth we were exposed to throughout the entire evening, the most offensive material was found in these Planned Parenthood pamphlets. Sado-masochism was defined as “mutually -pleasurable, safe, [and] sane.” Mutually pleasurable? Maybe. Safe? I doubt it. Sane? Definitely not.

Another piece of propaganda featuring “Hand Solo” reminisced of the good old days when “There weren’t programmed little automatons scurrying around proselytizing about the virtues of being a card carrying ‘Born Again Virgin’ or signing a ‘Virginity Pledge.’” This statement succinctly sums up Planned Parenthood’s position on sex: the more the better and anyone who waits until marriage is repressed and brainwashed. Let’s see, we live in a sex-soaked culture that teaches young people to be filthy, promiscuous sluts but somehow it’s that small percentage of youths who reject this message who are the “programmed little automatons.”

This same Planned Parenthood pamphlet had the gall to proclaim that they “have been routinely silenced, betrayed, and lied to.” This is completely false. Planned Parenthood is a huge, influential, multi-million dollar corporation. It is not Planned Parenthood and their fellow promiscuity peddlers who have been silenced but rather those who wish to educate young people about the benefits of chastity. The only people who have been betrayed and lied to are the many youths of our generation who will never know the beauty of saving that most intimate physical bond for the one person with whom they’ll share the rest of their lives.

 

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